Common Sense, Common Sensibilities

I’m spending my night listening to some of my favourite songs in chipmunk speed because I’m bored and need a little cheering up just because I over-think and over-analyse things unnecessarily. I can’t help it… I’m made this way.

Gone were the days when I was a cold heartless person who had no emotions whatsoever. The past year has been nothing but emo-ness to the point that even friends complain about my blog posts. I can’t help it, it was a confusing time for me, and I guess it would’ve helped if these people did something to cheer me up instead of just telling me the obvious. You know who you are. Meheheheh…

Work today was alright, getting used to the routine like I always say. Routine routine. I wonder if this is my life now. The highlight of my day was taking control of Illustrator for a little bit just to do some copy (that’s “text” to you non-advertising people) changes to some of the visuals, just because I wanted to give the designers a break and also because we keep changing stuff so often. Can’t help it, I’m not really good with details so I tend to miss things out that my boss picks up much later after the files get saved. I try my best to pick up on the little mistakes, but I guess I need to sharpen my eyes. But yeah, it was a little enjoyable to get to use Illustrator, felt like I had a bit of control rather than just sitting around and waiting for things to happen.

I think I’m starting to get the hang of my job that I am sort of capable of handling things by myself, although I still need as much support as I can get from my team especially since they all know wayyyyy much more about things than me. Plus they are quite spot-on with picking up on things that clients would pick up on. It’s just amazing, and I guess that’s why they are where they are. It’s something to aspire to I guess.

Apart from that, I got an angry e-mail from my bigger boss today because I disregarded one of his earlier e-mails he sent during the day, but I was really swamped with a lot of other things that I just didn’t have the time to reply his e-mail regarding some personal development website he wants us to join. Only managed to read both the e-mail and the following “scolding” e-mail when I was done with most of my other stuffs. I guess I need to manage my e-mail management better, because there are some e-mails that do get overlooked and forgotten. Eitherway, I replied him with a sincere apology explaining my reasons, and I have already checked out the site and registered (it takes 24 hours for the thing to activate), then I guess see what he replies and perhaps I will reply to that saying that I already did as told.

Which is kinda strange, since the Creatives (that’s the people who do the designing and creative work to you non-advertising people) always tell me that I shouldn’t always do what I am told to. Confusing betul… *faints*

Silly Me

I always try to be profound;
I found I wasn’t a pro at it.
(I’m not lame. You’re the one who doesn’t have a sense of humour. Bleh!)

This weekend has been my longest break since I started working. It’s been 2 months since I entered the work force, and already I’m changing jobs. I start at the new place tomorrow, and I guess part of me is excited about the prospects of the new place, but it’s a very subdued part of me. I’m wondering if I’m starting to lose any sense of feeling in me, since life has been rather numbing/neutralising these past few weeks.

I spent the better part of today watching TV shows, which were the latest episodes of Family Guy and Desperate Housewives. And then I finally got around to watching (500) Days of Summer, which I really liked. It’s not too typical, but not too unbelievable either. It tells you one thing, and hypocritically teases you after that, which was a bit predictable but in an overall sense it’s something you can pretend you didn’t notice.

It’s sometimes a bit potong when you realise you’re relating yourself to characters in a story, because it kinda says that your life is cliché enough to be put on screen. As guilty as I am with doing things like that, it does give you a sort of “3rd person perspective” on how things are, but at the same time also gives you fictional hopes of how things will turn out because evidently all stories end with happy endings, and although stories are sometimes adapted from real life, ultimately stories are NOT real life. Some people don’t realise that, whilst some others don’t want to believe that. Wonder where’s my place with that. 😛

I don’t know what life has in store for me, and I don’t even know if it has all been mapped out and someone out there is basically watching me executing these commands that have been set. People say life is full of choices, but I still believe that there is a possibility that your choices have already been decided, and you can’t choose otherwise because if you were to, it would’ve already been decided that you would be doing so. You can’t escape it, IF such a thing were true.

I wish I knew where I was heading. Why doesn’t Garmin come out with a product for that? Better yet, why do I keep wanting to know? I believe there is a deep and potentially dark underlying reason for my behaviour for always wanting to know, but I just haven’t figured out what that is yet.

Who knew my hand wasn’t the only thing that was screwing with myself. 😛

The Road Not Taken

I wonder sometimes who came up with the whole need for formalities? Why do we need to dress a certain way, to write stuff using certain choice words, to behave in a certain manner, and to some like myself, to “turn on” this whole other persona that befits a particular type of situation that calls for it?

People who know me well know that me wearing formal attire is something very rare, and to some people, think it’s something that never happens for me. But yet, there are situations that call for me to dress formally, much to my dislike, simply because it’s what people expect you to be like. It felt a bit artificial to me, because I was pretending to be something I’m not. I’m usually quite informal and casual, and to some extent sometimes callous, because with some people I feel comfortable being that way and sometimes I expect them to just “know” that I don’t mean ill but rather it’s just how we sometimes usually talk to one another. But situations change, and suddenly, it becomes inappropriate and we have to become somebody else, to adapt to this new situation that requires a whole new “you” that really isn’t “you” you.

Yet, this whole need to behave in a certain manner is so embedded in many of us that the lack of it in a setting we expect this formality to take place sometimes just feels a bit inappropriate, much to my surprise when it hit me recently. I realised that my dislike for having to be a certain way that I usually don’t like to associate with, is something I am starting to appreciate now that it’s not there anymore. It’s yet another one of those things where once you don’t have it only you start appreciating it. It’s sad, but it happens.

Thankfully sometimes there ARE opportunities for a do-over, although they are never so easy to accomplish. But I guess if you really want it, sometimes these troubles are worth it. The whole, suffer now enjoy later mambo jambo that we have all been brainwashed into accepting as facts of life.

Sometimes I wish life wasn’t so complicated. We could just make simple choices, and have simple consequences, and live happily ever after. Maybe that’s why people invented formalities. So there are these set guidelines that hopefully everyone follows, and everything will work out properly and we’ll all live happily ever after.

Dang!

And the winner is…

“Not having me anymore makes you realise how much you miss me.
Not having you anymore makes me realise how much I’ve missed.”

Working week #2 begins with a bang, literally. Got into a little accident on the LDP yesterday when the 5th or so car ahead decided to suddenly stop on the highway, resulting in all the cars following it to halt immediately except for the car behind me that didn’t manage to stop in time and bumped me forward into the car in front of me.

Now my car’s a little dented in the front and back, and my rear sensor is totally out of whack, though the whole car is still totally usable. Thankfully the fella who bumped into my car is a very very nice person who willingly claims all responsibility and now it’s just a matter of figuring out how to settle my car repairs, either through insurance claims or from his own pocket.

Anyway, there’s nothing much to detail. Will just leave you with some pictures of the damage:

LDPAccident1

LDPAccident2

LDPAccident3

That’s all. Gotta go sleep cos have to go to the workshop tomorrow morning to assess the damage and all that. The person most likely doesn’t want to claim from insurance and will end up paying out of his own pocket instead, so guess we’ll see how it goes. Hopefully all this bad stuffs will be followed by some good.

Karma, now’s your time to shine! 😀

Back and Forth

The past few days and weeks of not doing anything, or rather aptly having nothing to do (thereby not my fault), has given me a lot of time to think about the past, present, and future. These thoughts are kinda like the weather, one moment sunny, one moment cloudy, but so far, no storms yet. It’s a metaphor, figure it out yourself.

I’m usually a very private person, hence all the ambiguity, but I don’t think that I’m totally void of emotion like some people may think I am. Throughout the past couple of years, I’ve met and mixed with people of varying emotional quotients, turning me from a stone-hearted non-touchy-feely person to someone who’s now prone to emo-ness and does hugs and stuff. If you knew me pre-Cempaka and post-Cempaka, you’d probably see the difference. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I’ve lost touch with a lot of people in the past. I’m not good with keeping in touch with people, eventhough there’s Facebook.

Anyway, I’ve always tried to be more rational than emotional, which I guess is why some people may think I’m “such a cold hearted creature” when I act by means of rationalising my feelings and emotions, eventhough the end result may not always be the right one. After all, nothing’s constant; everything changes and you have to take into account every single thing that’s going on at the very moment which may only be an event at THAT very moment, and insignificant shortly after a decision is rendered. So I guess it’s quite difficult to be rational, hence that’s why more people take the emotional route since it’s more of acting on impulse and you don’t really need to think.

The reason I always choose to be rational is because I always figured that it’s the one way you can avoid making rash decisions you may later on regret. I’ve honestly never regretted anything I’ve done, or had wished that things were different, because I’ve somehow managed to convince myself that I’m where I am now because of the choices I’ve made in the past. Eventhough my life may not be amazingly fantastic pow-wow bling-bling and all now, I always tell myself to feel grateful and thankful for this life I have because… “it could be worse, who knows?”

Now I’m starting to realise that that kind of consoling is quite rubbish to be honest, although it has worked for me so far. I think the plentiful time I have had has given me a sort of enlightenment that I’ve been bullshitting myself all these years because honestly, that’s not consoling. That’s giving excuses. It’s because I did something wrong, and now I have to suffer the consequences. Sure it could be worse, but it could’ve been much better if I had done things right. So maybe, next time I should think twice and maybe put more effort into whatever it is so that that doesn’t happen again, just so I can avoid having to lie to myself as a form of comfort, because I guess if you can’t trust yourself, who else can you trust?

So I guess, now I’m starting to question my methods of rationalising emotions. I always thought that I had the balance figured out, where I sort of gave rational thinking a slight edge over being emotional, something like 65-vs-35. The problem here is that, while I may be happy acting out rationally in some cases, I guess I’m starting to realise that people apply different balances for different situations. Balances which may be in conflict with mine, hence a problem arises. And like I said, as time progresses things change, so people may behave one way now, and totally different later on.

I don’t know what to think. I wish life were easier and uncomplicated. I used to think people created drama instead of drama creating itself, but now I’m starting to think that drama exists everywhere. It’s only if you acknowledge its existence does it start interfering with your life.

Choc Choc Chip

Antarctica Clip

I have yet to seek comfort from ice-cream whenever I feel sad, yet it’s something you find common in the stories you read or watch. And it’s usually of people eating straight out of the pint/tub to add to the drama. Does ice-cream really make people feel better? If anything, wouldn’t it result in you gaining weight, and thus feeling even more depressed at your weight gain, and then you eat more ice-cream, and the cycle keeps on going?

Sometimes, I will never understand why we as human beings continue to do things even though logic tells us that keeping it up will only bring us harm. Perhaps we’re all just hopeful beings, all risk takers who have this big idea that it’s all going to pay off if we just suffer now.

The mysteries of human beings. No wonder aliens find us so fascinating that they’re always coming to abduct us. 😛