3rd Month’s The Charm?

Today is the first day of month 3 of working at the new place. And overall, month 5 working in general. I can’t believe it’s going to be a half year since I joined the work force, and I’m already starting to feel the jadedness setting in. It even takes me a lot of effort to get out of bed nowadays, which is why I always end up being rather un-early for work. And there are times when I just can’t wait to go home.

I guess one of the problems I face is that a lot of my time is spent waiting around. Waiting for people to send me stuffs. Waiting for people to give feedback on the stuffs I’ve forwarded. And then waiting again for the people to make the necessary revisions. And then it basically goes on and on. I sometimes feel fearful finding out that this could be my life for the next couple of months or years, going through this ritual day in day out. I know this is all part of the process, where you start from the bottom doing all the “dirty work” before you climb up to the top where you’re just overseeing everything. I guess I never realised I would join this career model, seeing as one of the reasons I chose to do advertising was that I wanted to be in something a little less… traditional / formal. But I guess all big companies won’t stray too far off the beaten track. Unless it’s Google or one of those modern tech companies that “spoil” their employees.

I wonder if I made the mistake of not going after what I truly wanted, and instead chose the more complacent path of getting whatever I could get my hands on eventhough it may not ultimately be “the ONE”, but rather, the one of a few options I wouldn’t mind. I’m not saying that I totally regret whatever I’m doing now, but I guess the time has come again where I think of the question, “what if?”.

Work aside, I do enjoy working with some of the people I work with currently. My immediate team especially, who are probably the two best kinds of superiors one could ever ask for. There are other people here who give me a tough time, but I guess only in an ideal world where you’ll find everyone getting along with everyone else perfectly. So I guess I shouldn’t complain since I have the nice friendly bosses, who to some extent do balance out the difficulty I face with others. But I do understand that again I myself take some of the blame, due to my lack of socialising skills, but I guess I tend to take some time opening up to certain groups of people, and it’s also very reactive to the way these groups of people behave towards me.

Anyway, kinda sucks that my first post of 2010 is a little bit of a bummer, but on the bright side… wait, where did I put it?? =_=”

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Silly Me

I always try to be profound;
I found I wasn’t a pro at it.
(I’m not lame. You’re the one who doesn’t have a sense of humour. Bleh!)

This weekend has been my longest break since I started working. It’s been 2 months since I entered the work force, and already I’m changing jobs. I start at the new place tomorrow, and I guess part of me is excited about the prospects of the new place, but it’s a very subdued part of me. I’m wondering if I’m starting to lose any sense of feeling in me, since life has been rather numbing/neutralising these past few weeks.

I spent the better part of today watching TV shows, which were the latest episodes of Family Guy and Desperate Housewives. And then I finally got around to watching (500) Days of Summer, which I really liked. It’s not too typical, but not too unbelievable either. It tells you one thing, and hypocritically teases you after that, which was a bit predictable but in an overall sense it’s something you can pretend you didn’t notice.

It’s sometimes a bit potong when you realise you’re relating yourself to characters in a story, because it kinda says that your life is cliché enough to be put on screen. As guilty as I am with doing things like that, it does give you a sort of “3rd person perspective” on how things are, but at the same time also gives you fictional hopes of how things will turn out because evidently all stories end with happy endings, and although stories are sometimes adapted from real life, ultimately stories are NOT real life. Some people don’t realise that, whilst some others don’t want to believe that. Wonder where’s my place with that. 😛

I don’t know what life has in store for me, and I don’t even know if it has all been mapped out and someone out there is basically watching me executing these commands that have been set. People say life is full of choices, but I still believe that there is a possibility that your choices have already been decided, and you can’t choose otherwise because if you were to, it would’ve already been decided that you would be doing so. You can’t escape it, IF such a thing were true.

I wish I knew where I was heading. Why doesn’t Garmin come out with a product for that? Better yet, why do I keep wanting to know? I believe there is a deep and potentially dark underlying reason for my behaviour for always wanting to know, but I just haven’t figured out what that is yet.

Who knew my hand wasn’t the only thing that was screwing with myself. 😛

Failure of the Unknown

I don’t know where I’m at.
I’m standing out the back,
And I’m tired of waiting.
Waiting here in in line,
Hoping that I’ll find
What I’ve been chasing

(chorus)
I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try?
I know I’m gonna fall down.
I thought I could fly,
So why did I drown?
You never know why
It’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go.
Cause then I’ll never know
What I could be missing.
But I’m missing way too much.
When do I give up
What I’ve been wishing for?

(repeat chorus)

Oh, I’m going down, down, down.
I can’t find another way around
And I don’t wanna hear the sound
Of losing what I’ve never found.

(repeat chorus x2)

Wake Me Up When

It’s the last week of October, and I’ve been officially back in Malaysia for 4 months. That’s one-third of a whole year, quite a significant amount of time that is worthy of some reflection.

My free time nowadays, as limited and precious as they are becoming, are often spent wondering about how things are right now, and where they’re probably headed. A lot of them end up with question marks, and then there are some paths which are not yet as apparent, or not well lit enough for me to feel comfortable enough to walk on. Yes, it’s those dreaded analogies again. Deal with it.

I think life would be near perfect if we had a chance to see into the future to solve all our “if only” quandaries that many people are so fond of, just so we know if we’re doing better or worse because of the choices we’ve made. It’s a bit sad that a lot of people, myself included, rely on comparisons to feel better or worse about our situations because sometimes, there’s no point feeling good about something just by forcing yourself to believe that it is what it may not be. It boils down to that whole lying-to-yourself shenanigan that I blogged about a while back.

I’ve been bugged with these thoughts for a while already, more so with the whole job thing that has become somewhat… perplexing. Perhaps it’s all part of growing up, and that one day I will come to understand why all this happened and what I have to learn from it.

Maybe life is about learning lessons, and not wondering about all the what-ifs and what-could’ve-beens that more often or not just sags your spirits because nothing in life is so simple and straightforward. Maybe it’s about moving forward and onward, and making sure that these things don’t happen again.

And who’s to say moving forward doesn’t involve going back to the way things were, since the way things were would be a change from the way things are now. It’s all these little technicalities that fuck up the world we live in.

And there you have it. Bitch. 😛

The Road Not Taken

I wonder sometimes who came up with the whole need for formalities? Why do we need to dress a certain way, to write stuff using certain choice words, to behave in a certain manner, and to some like myself, to “turn on” this whole other persona that befits a particular type of situation that calls for it?

People who know me well know that me wearing formal attire is something very rare, and to some people, think it’s something that never happens for me. But yet, there are situations that call for me to dress formally, much to my dislike, simply because it’s what people expect you to be like. It felt a bit artificial to me, because I was pretending to be something I’m not. I’m usually quite informal and casual, and to some extent sometimes callous, because with some people I feel comfortable being that way and sometimes I expect them to just “know” that I don’t mean ill but rather it’s just how we sometimes usually talk to one another. But situations change, and suddenly, it becomes inappropriate and we have to become somebody else, to adapt to this new situation that requires a whole new “you” that really isn’t “you” you.

Yet, this whole need to behave in a certain manner is so embedded in many of us that the lack of it in a setting we expect this formality to take place sometimes just feels a bit inappropriate, much to my surprise when it hit me recently. I realised that my dislike for having to be a certain way that I usually don’t like to associate with, is something I am starting to appreciate now that it’s not there anymore. It’s yet another one of those things where once you don’t have it only you start appreciating it. It’s sad, but it happens.

Thankfully sometimes there ARE opportunities for a do-over, although they are never so easy to accomplish. But I guess if you really want it, sometimes these troubles are worth it. The whole, suffer now enjoy later mambo jambo that we have all been brainwashed into accepting as facts of life.

Sometimes I wish life wasn’t so complicated. We could just make simple choices, and have simple consequences, and live happily ever after. Maybe that’s why people invented formalities. So there are these set guidelines that hopefully everyone follows, and everything will work out properly and we’ll all live happily ever after.

Dang!

No Takesies Backsies

Still in a funk mood. Have started work, and it’s been alright I guess. I can’t divulge too much cos I can’t risk being Googled by colleagues or bosses and have them find my pot of gold to use against me. There are so many articles that warn people against doing things like that, and I’d like to think I’m well aware of things like that.

I guess, like everything that has been happening since I came back from Aus, all the ups and downs, from H1N1 to holidaying to job hunting to catching up with people to finding a job to being in this new uncertain place that I’ve been in, has been somewhat overwhelming, and somewhat undecided as to whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, or a nothing. We’re just all too obsessed with extremes, pitting one against the other. People who ask for both are just too greedy. 😛

My colleague (cheyyyy!), who also turns out to be my old highschool form mate (as in same form, different class), was telling us during lunch about how she chose to go to Wollongong, NSW of all places because she wanted to throw herself into an environment unlittered with Asians, specifically Malaysians. It’s not that she hates her own kind, but rather she felt that if she was going to pay so much to go overseas, might as well fully enjoy the experience as true as it possibly can, mixing with the locals and all that. Which she did, and which she enjoyed, and which she most likely wouldn’t want any different. That’s good.

I on the other hand, chose to go to Melbourne because I knew people there. And that it was an urban area. And I guess I also thought about my food options. And I figured, it’s still Australia, eventhough it’s overrun by Asians. Granted, I mixed with Asians practically the entire time I was there, but I honestly do not regret any bit of it. We were still from different backgrounds, and we had significant differences in terms of thinking process and even openness, but I guess it’s sort of like going through “challenging” times together through this racial bond that makes things a little more enjoyable and easy. Had a lot of good times, most of which I do miss every now and then when I’m feeling lonely being the only one back here.

At the end of the day, life is something you can’t undo and if you love what you’ve done, what choices you’ve made and its outcome, then that’s fantastic. If you hate it, regret the hell out of it, wishfully hoping to find an undo button hidden somewhere, there’s really nothing much you can do other than try to improve the situation. Then again, sometimes it’s not that easy. Someone posted on Facebook recently saying, “life is very simple. It’s other people who complicate it.” I guess that holds true to some extent, because people sometimes complicate our lives because we probably did the same to them. You may notice it, you may not, but I always believe what comes around goes around, karma, and all that.

I guess at the end of the day, if you can live with yourself and the choices you’ve made, and realise that it’s not THAT bad (a la schadenfreude), then sometimes all these externalities don’t really matter that much anyway because ultimately only you can make your ownself happy by changing your outlook in life, and your perspective on how marvelously shitty your life is! 😀

Inadvertence

Sometimes I get myself into difficult situations either because I never think it through, because I was half-asleep, because people are just not what you expect them to be, or because of bad timing it’s all of the above. Sometimes it’s things I do rashly because I feel put in the spotlight, or maybe it’s because at the time it felt right or harmless. But I guess, nothing you can do as standard will yield standard results all the time.

I’ve been getting myself into a lot of peculiar situations recently and as much as most of it sucks (there are redeeming parts, thankfully), I guess I’m just going to have to live with it. I guess this is kinda like what happened about 4 years ago when I switched from one college to another college and then finally to the last college I got my diploma from. It was a very confusing time for me, and I guess I made a lot of rash decisions that I later on somewhat regretted, and somewhat not because at the end, things turned out somewhat alright. But as life to most people are, surprises are abound waiting to jump you when you least expect it.

Anyhoo, I actually went on and on about being honest and stuff, but felt it was a load of bull and deleted it all. Have lost the passion to blog, for now anyways.

I still think it’s because of the ugly wordpress template. Ptui!