The past few days and weeks of not doing anything, or rather aptly having nothing to do (thereby not my fault), has given me a lot of time to think about the past, present, and future. These thoughts are kinda like the weather, one moment sunny, one moment cloudy, but so far, no storms yet. It’s a metaphor, figure it out yourself.
I’m usually a very private person, hence all the ambiguity, but I don’t think that I’m totally void of emotion like some people may think I am. Throughout the past couple of years, I’ve met and mixed with people of varying emotional quotients, turning me from a stone-hearted non-touchy-feely person to someone who’s now prone to emo-ness and does hugs and stuff. If you knew me pre-Cempaka and post-Cempaka, you’d probably see the difference. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I’ve lost touch with a lot of people in the past. I’m not good with keeping in touch with people, eventhough there’s Facebook.
Anyway, I’ve always tried to be more rational than emotional, which I guess is why some people may think I’m “such a cold hearted creature” when I act by means of rationalising my feelings and emotions, eventhough the end result may not always be the right one. After all, nothing’s constant; everything changes and you have to take into account every single thing that’s going on at the very moment which may only be an event at THAT very moment, and insignificant shortly after a decision is rendered. So I guess it’s quite difficult to be rational, hence that’s why more people take the emotional route since it’s more of acting on impulse and you don’t really need to think.
The reason I always choose to be rational is because I always figured that it’s the one way you can avoid making rash decisions you may later on regret. I’ve honestly never regretted anything I’ve done, or had wished that things were different, because I’ve somehow managed to convince myself that I’m where I am now because of the choices I’ve made in the past. Eventhough my life may not be amazingly fantastic pow-wow bling-bling and all now, I always tell myself to feel grateful and thankful for this life I have because… “it could be worse, who knows?”
Now I’m starting to realise that that kind of consoling is quite rubbish to be honest, although it has worked for me so far. I think the plentiful time I have had has given me a sort of enlightenment that I’ve been bullshitting myself all these years because honestly, that’s not consoling. That’s giving excuses. It’s because I did something wrong, and now I have to suffer the consequences. Sure it could be worse, but it could’ve been much better if I had done things right. So maybe, next time I should think twice and maybe put more effort into whatever it is so that that doesn’t happen again, just so I can avoid having to lie to myself as a form of comfort, because I guess if you can’t trust yourself, who else can you trust?
So I guess, now I’m starting to question my methods of rationalising emotions. I always thought that I had the balance figured out, where I sort of gave rational thinking a slight edge over being emotional, something like 65-vs-35. The problem here is that, while I may be happy acting out rationally in some cases, I guess I’m starting to realise that people apply different balances for different situations. Balances which may be in conflict with mine, hence a problem arises. And like I said, as time progresses things change, so people may behave one way now, and totally different later on.
I don’t know what to think. I wish life were easier and uncomplicated. I used to think people created drama instead of drama creating itself, but now I’m starting to think that drama exists everywhere. It’s only if you acknowledge its existence does it start interfering with your life.