I have this weird thing where I tend to post a lot of random meaningless status updates in Facebook, where as the more “deep deep” ones I would post on Twitter instead. Although my Twitter is publicly available, it still feels a bit more “private” as opposed to Facebook, so I guess my Twitter caters to a more selective audience, of which probably 99% don’t really give two poops about my status update there. Hence it’s probably why it feels a bit more “private” there.
Things have indeed changed for me since I came back. The life that I have been accustomed to suddenly disappeared and now I’m in a whole new phase of my life, the start of which has been postponed to this coming Friday morning when I attend my first (and presently one and only) job interview. I don’t know what to think, what to feel, what to say, or what to do to prepare for it. Of course there are the standard stuffs like background check and preparation stuffs that anyone can find from a handful of websites, but I’m just feeling a bit… “fated”.
What does that mean, you ask?
I’ve always been a big believer that things happen for a reason, and that ultimately everything has already been decided by some cosmic universal power that may or may not be embodied into a being. It could just be something else that we humans have not conceived of yet, an unknown “thing” that has drawn up our entire livelihoods. The things we do, the way things happen, the choices we make and the repercussions/consequences, and even who we are… all this has already been set out. You can’t change your fate or destiny, because who’s to say that maybe the whole changing destiny thing isn’t part and parcel of your original destiny after all? That you were meant to do the things you did to “change” your destiny.
So what’s with all that garbage, you ask again?
Well, I somehow have been having this feeling that I’m just going to be myself and not try too hard. Of course I know that is the antithesis of what ever lecturer, career counsellor, or parent would advise one to do, but somehow there is this gut feeling that somehow this is what I have to do… or rather, don’t have to do. That even if I end up not getting that job, that there’s a specific reason for it. I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad reason, although I do hope it’s the former. But I’ve been feeling a bit laid back lately and sort of learning how to “go with the flow” and “play by ear”.
I think we have been trained since young to be very goal-oriented that we become too obsessed with getting started with things that we sometimes don’t take the time to enjoy the things in-between the end of one thing and the start of another. And that when we’ve started something, we become so obsessed with the goals again that we just can’t enjoy the moment for what it is.
Goals and comparisons are of course not pure evil, because they do contribute to our advancements. But I guess it’s the obsession, the overdosing of it, that ultimately will be the death of us all. So that’s why I guess I’m feeling a bit lazy about the whole job thing. I’ve been idling for the past few weeks, so there’s probably that too. But I really do want to end up doing something that I’ll enjoy doing. My working friends all tell me to cherish these work-free laze-full moments that I have now, because hell awaits me behind office doors. However, I really enjoyed the piles of work I had to do back when I was interning at Naga. I had this sense of purpose, and it was real work too. Granted being an intern I don’t get the actual full load, but it was quite gratifying doing what I did, so I hope that when I do actually work, it would be just like that as well.
Then again, it’s the kind of spirit you carry in yourself that ultimately makes something you do enjoyable. I am quite thankful that I can always rationalise myself out of disappointment, misery, and regret, and yet not fill myself up with a whole load of wishful thinking and living life in denial.
Always look on the bright side of life. Du du du du du du du du… 😀